my life as a nonprofit organization

i’ve realized, in my journey, that no matter how smart people have tangible proof that you are.. they’re still going to try to pull the wool over your eyes. sometimes, you get stuck with an alcee arobin, and you just need to slip a blade between his ribs.

i’m always thrown into a weird dimension, when someone lies to my face, and we both know that they’re lying. like, it’s not even a good lie. put some effort forth. make me pontificate, for a minute. wonder if i have it all wrong. like when my older brother eats all the cereal. but someone was eating my cereal. if he’s the only person eating cereal, and it’s all gone, then there is a very good chance he ate my cereal. 

needless to say, this has been the theme of the end of my latest relationship. 2011 was consumed with by love affair, and i find this to be.. anticlimactic. all i had to do was peep his phone, to spy “i hope you’re saving some hugs for me:)”, “when can i see you??”, and “i want to be close and cozy with you”. see, here’s the thing. i don’t know if the rest of the world has such tissues with infidelity, but you would have received a better reaction dangling me over a vat of leeches. my anger couldn’t adopt a coherent form, because i was too busy trying to crawl out of my skin. that’s dirty, bruv. like, yeah, i share body fluids with you. but finding out that there have been others in the mix, while you’ve been whispering sweet nothings? now, i just don’t know about that. 

what’s really sad, is that i was more indignant than sad. he was really a shitty sort of boyfriend. a lot of temper, that sort of thing. but i dealt with it, you know. “hey, it’s not really directed at me, and we love each other.”

i’m a firm believer that you really need to be bringing some shit to the table, if you feel that you are just such a delight, that you simply must be spread around. real talk. 

i was taken aback. honest. one of the many reasons i never suspected: he’s just not that great. when i caught him, and i said the faithful words, “who’s lauryn?” you could just see the horror spread across his features. i imagine you might have the same look if you saw a great white hurtling through the air towards your face. it was really.. it was something. just the utmost regret and remorse plastered all over that face. 

don’t ever tell a lady what they should do, when they find out you’ve been starting to stray. that, and don’t fucking touch me. really, i just found out i have no idea how many germs you might be carrying, and you want to bring it in for a hug? there are going to be some negative results. real negative. 

like so many other situations in my life-my brother thinking he has what it takes to rumble with the real world, for instance-it was like watching a very slow train reck. one with cars that are just stuffed with puppies, because kittens are shifty. just.. a really sad turn of events. like, i can see what’s happening, but my soon-to-be-single boyfriend cannot yet fully appreciate what has just occured, all horror on his face aside. 

all i can say, is that those moments really just blow. i wanted to pat him on the shoulder, and say, “it’s over, pumpkin. you can stop, now. it’s really just hard for me to look at.”

while he was floundering around for the worst excuses. 

“she’s from my past-she just reappeared! i need answers from her.. it’s personal! this is such a delicate situation-there is no way to explain it to your girlfriend without it sounding bad! i was going to let you oversee everything!”

i believe it, i believe it, i can only imagine, sounds that way, there’s nothing delicate about this little mistake, i hurd that, and really.. i’d rather not look.

well, and that was a drawn out sort of post. i just needed to wrap my mind around the events. to articulate the stupidity of what happened to me, in the final days of 2011. 

“just remember who loves you”

“everyone?”

“me, even though i know you don’t think so. i do”

“everyone.”

my GPA is trying to make me just so sad. it says, “avery, you stabbed your beautiful 3.6, last year. it will never, ever come back. enjoy that 3.2, and-with good behavior-maybe we can discuss a 3.3.”

speaking of the dirty, uneducated stoner masses that i despise, does the truth hurt? i can see the faint fear, anxiety, and more fear in your eyes when i mention a secondary education. yes, it’s too late for you, and you know why? because you drove yourselves into the ground. the whole reason reres swarm to pot, like moths to a flame, is because it makes you content with whatever situation you find you’re percalating in. the last thing you dirty urchins need is to be content with yourselves, and i don’t see why saying that makes me the bad guy. if you look in the mirror, and find that you’ve pissed on yourself and the last few years of your life in a weed coma, you should hate yourself, accordingly. if you forgot to take a shower, don’t smoke another bowl. if we have to smell you, so should you. why should i be the only one that sees what your parents let you leave the house in, this morning? you should be right here, with me. dear god, if you realize that the dreadlocks don’t look as good as you thought they would, don’t try to hide from the truth.

it’s not you, it’s the pot you allowed to consume your life. suddenly you realize your parents were warning you about something legitimate, and the jokes on you. your life is just as ruined as it seems when you’re sober, and you have no one to thank but yourself.

i’m not on a soapbox, dear. i’m on a pedistal that’s plateau is so far above the ozone that it’s an easy mistake. i tried to save you, i really did. i tried to contort myself into some form of a smile, while the smoke was burning my throat. i bowed and scraped far longer than i should have. i chauffered you on your errands, silently. i bit my tongue, when i realized a half tank was gone, and not a peep of “merci mille fois” was to be heard. “that’s fine,” i chastized myself. was i smoking, too? perhaps, but i did so like you, at one point. yeah, i chased after you, a bit. it was a pleasant diversion. but you’ve clung to that little fact for far longer than a wise man would have. i didn’t want to point out that i had no idea it would last this long, so i looked off to the side, and said, “i had no idea how much i would love you. can’t you see that pot is holding you back?” more importantly, it’s holding me back. no matter how many times you said, “i had no idea i was such a lead-weight” i had to reply, dutifully reassuring you that you’re nothing of the sort. it’s not me, it is so you. it’s been so you, for so long, it just doesn’t even make sense anymore. (insert piteous mewling about random character flaw, following uncalled for outburst, in search of reassurance and forgiveness) oh, dear. no, you really do have every single one of those problems. no, it’s not okay just because you love me, and that’s not what really matters. if you step to me, you best come correct.

speaking of me having a cold stone lodged where my heart should be, it’s your fault, jordan. my little mind was blown when i realized that you don’t have a proper scope of what a terrible person you are. that’s my bad, i guess i was sleeping on the job. i don’t fancy that somewhere deep inside, you’re in love with me. you’re obligated. you made me into a merciless harpy, and someone should be made to pay the price. you’re thinking some really awesome thoughts, clearly. you prostrate yourself, when the guilt becomes overwhelming, as it drips against your forehead. i should have taken a note from wang the tiger, and plunged my sword into the soft flesh of your throat, you insipid minx. so i closed down aim, for a time. it’s not good for anything, and it has grown to bother me exceedingly. the fanfare of informing you of my departure wasn’t worth the effort. i have no businesss with you, until you are properly cowed by your conscience, and come to terms with what a grave mistake it was, that you didn’t better apply yourself for my favor. at which point, i may deign to except your fawnings. coyly, of course.

the bottom line is: you should both kill yourselves. or each other, should you be so moved. because i am a perfect creature, and should be celebrated as such, daily.